No.

I will not be seeing Star Wars: The Last Mary Sue, just in case anyone might have thought to ask. The special editions deeply wounded my enthusiasm for Star Wars, and the prequels killed it. I don’t expect the House of Child Molestation Mouse to be capable of treating the franchise with any respect, and all the buzz I’ve heard about the sequels and spinoffs has been consistently negative.

The very fact that the sequels’ creators have decided to make Star Wars about Grrrl Power shows that they don’t understand the original films. Taking what is at heart a boys’ adventure serial and girl-powering it up is as tin-eared as redoing Ghostbusters with an all-female cast, or redoing Sailor Moon with an all-male cast.

And by the way, there is, in fact, a version of Sailor Moon with an all-male cast, but it’s done as a self-aware joke. That’s one of the differences between America and Japan: in Japan, they say, “Ha! We took your beloved franchise and gender-swapped it! Isn’t that FUNNY?” But in America, they say, “Ha! We took your beloved franchise and gender-swapped it! And if you don’t like it, you’re a BIGOT!”

I am reminded of an interview with Patrick Rothfuss from a few years back, in which he said he found it, and I quote, “fucking creepy” (these writers are so eloquent) that The Hobbit has no female characters in it. That’s where we’re at now; we have a generation that doesn’t simply dislike boys’ adventure fiction, but actually can’t comprehend it. He doesn’t merely say that he finds The Hobbit not to be his cup of tea; he finds it creepy. It’s an adventure story for boys about a group of boys who go on an adventure, and Rothfuss can’t wrap his head around it.

Similarly, I remember an argument I had a few years back with some bronies who were grousing that My Little Pony doesn’t have enough male characters in it. I patiently explained to them that it was a cartoon for little girls. They didn’t get it.

The original Star Wars trilogy is about a farmboy who discovers he’s a prince (of sorts) with a great destiny, and who rescues a princess and saves the galaxy. It’s a boys’ adventure story in space. Those who’ve tackled the franchise since then (Lucas himself included) don’t understand that, and they may be incapable of understanding that.

That’s where we’re at. Just look at this comment:

I especially love the part where he says the movie “backs love over hate” after saying it “mocks and burns down.” Note also that he says nothing about whether the film is well-written or well-directed or entertaining. All he cares about is whether he sees his politics in it.

Note also that he speaks of mocking and burning down traditions with the assumption that this must be a good thing. He doesn’t pause to ask, or describe, exactly what traditions it mocks or burns down, nor does he ask, or describe, why those traditions deserve to be burned down. He simply assumes that mocking and burning are good, and traditions are bad, and if you think otherwise, why, you must have voted for Trump.

This too reminds me of something. Some years ago, I saw Luc Besson’s pro-pedophilia movie The Professional, starring a skin-crawlingly sexualized twelve-year-old Natalie Portman. Afterwards, I went looking for movie reviews. I don’t remember how many I read, but I read only one that condemned the film for glamorizing child-molestation. The rest praised the movie for being “subversive”—assuming, again, that subversion is good in and of itself, without pausing to ask what is being subverted, or whether that thing should be subverted.

So that’s where we’re at. But at least we are seeing greater honesty now than we did ten or more years ago: they are openly admitting that they want to burn it all down. Men like Baz McAlister didn’t used to state their intent so plainly.

The Mary Sue Awakens: Now with Finger Puppets

[VIDEO SHOULD BE HERE]

I cannot believe it. I cannot freaking believe it.

There’s a popular YouTube channel called Bad Lip Reading, which dubs inexplicably hilarious gibberish over clips from movies and TV shows. In one of their most creative works to date, they produced a Bad Lip Reading of that Star Wars movie that came out sometime back, the one I think was called A Newer Hope: Starring Ensign Mary Sue. In addition to the dubbing, they had added blacked-gloved hands over some scenes of Kylo Ren so that he appears to be threatening Han Solo with finger puppets.

Also, Mark Hamill did the voice of Han Solo.

The video was up this morning, and I watched it. It sounds like something I might have made up, but it was real, as you can see here.

This evening, I meant to share it with you, but the video is now gone. This seems odd, since other videos, including previous Star Wars parodies, are still up on Bad Lip Reading’s channel.

According to the placeholder for where the video used to be, the copyright infringement claim came from something called Dramatists Play Service.

I’ve never heard of that, either, so I found their website. According to the mission statement, Dramatists Play Service “was created to foster national opportunities for playwrights by publishing affordable editions of their plays and handling the performance rights to these works.”

The hell?

Maybe they quoted a famous play in the video. If they did, I didn’t notice. I’d go look for it except, oh, the video’s gone. Somebody’s got a lawyer and no sense of fun.

At least there’s still this:

Oh, and by the way, we’ll have a special review in time for Easter.