As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m trying to improve my search engine optimization over here. I’ve switched to a plugin that does much finer analysis of SEO than the one I used previously, checking for everything from proper URLs to sentence length.
And speaking of sentence length, my SEO software apparently thinks you’re all idiots, since it keeps warning me that my sentences are too long and complex for you to understand.
Anyway, I happened to discover today that I warrant a knowledge graph on Google—and in case you don’t know, the “knowledge graphs” are the highlighted results that show up in the right sidebar.
Hoping I could get my knowledge graph expanded, with maybe links to my social media accounts, I decided to try “claiming” it, which would allow me to suggest edits. I then discovered that this is quite an arduous process: Google demands screenshots from five accounts, a selfie holding official identification, a 500-character essay of self-abasement, a firstborn son, an immortal soul, and an infant sacrifice on the stroke of midnight of a Walpurgisnacht in which Venus is in retrograde and Jupiter burns in the twelfth house. Only then, Google might—might, mind you—deign to notice me with one baleful eye overshadowed by its majestic beanie cap.
Once I had finished the ritual ablutions and conducted the proper sacrifices, I presented my offerings to the great god Google only to receive the following:
Apparently, I erred in the performance of the sacred rituals. Perhaps one of the tallow candles dripped imperceptibly on the magic circle, or maybe I inadvertently scuffed one point of the Druid’s claw with my shoe.
I shall see the oracle to learn what penances will appease the god, and then I shall attempt the sacrifices again.
