Meet Your Magical Girls! JAKE AND THE DYNAMO Bio 4: Tuneless Ramona

CODENAME: Magical Girl Tuneless Ramona
ALTER EGO: Ramona Kawasaki

“With the power of incredible songs that would make me a world-famous pop diva if only someone would recognize my talent!”

There are only two things that can frighten a citizen of mankind’s final city. One is a monster attack. The second is Magical Girl Tuneless Ramona.

Ramona Kawasaki is an unusual magical girl: she has no familiar and no contract. One night, she went out with her friends and sang karaoke. Her singing was so horrific, she spontaneously generated a powerful field of negative musical energy that transformed her into Tuneless Ramona.  She has never transformed back.

Tuneless Ramona maintains no secret identity, since, as she explains, that would make it impossible for talent agents to scout her. Her song-and-dance numbers are the most powerful and deadly magic ever recorded; depending on duration and intensity, their effects can range from severe migraine headaches to paralysis to death. And they are as effective on the innocent bystander as on the monsters that so frequently invade our home.

Nonetheless, Ramona has one victory by which she has obtained the highest competency rating on record, a rating unlikely to be surpassed.

Frequent are the attacks on our city by vampires, trolls, kaiju, extraterrestrials, primordial creatures thought extinct, and, of course, demons from hell. Our various magical girls are well equipped to deal decisively with these threats. But there are horrors against which even our girls are powerless: the writhing, mad, multidimensional abominations from beyond the walls of space-time, the great monstrosities—some larger than galaxies and some immaterial—that have turned their baleful eyes on our insignificant planet for reasons we know not.

Whenever these creatures break through into three-space, even the magical girls must suffer.

It seemed the end had come when the eldritch abomination Cuss-Lulu, who in our dimension manifests as a giant octopus with a potty mouth, dropped into the middle of downtown. His huge tentacles crushed skyscrapers and his ten thousand tongues uttered swear words no human can pronounce. Even to attempt to write his words phonetically is folly, for the results always look curiously like @#$% or even 3@#$%!

Suffice to say, such vulgarity can drive men mad. This was even worse than saying “butt” in public, and you can only do that in serious essays like this one.

Heh heh. “Butt.”

Grease Pencil Marionette acted quickly. Realizing that it is necessary to fight ugly sound with ugly sound, she did the unimaginable.

She sent in Tuneless Ramona.

Remarkably, a few witnesses of the battle have actually survived with their minds largely intact. One woman states that she saw Ramona moonwalk backwards down the street toward the towering monster. The monster uttered one of its superhuman obscenities, and Ramona replied by spinning around and grabbing her own crotch. At that point, the witness blacked out and didn’t recover until the battle was over.

An unfortunate man, who was unable to speak coherently for many weeks after the incident, had a much closer view. He stated to the police that Ramona performed a few brief ditties while snapping her fingers, and that Cuss-Lulu replied by cussing her out. Then, to his horror, both the girl and the monster started scatting. That’s when, in his words, “things got freaky.”

The magical girl and the monster engaged in what can only be described as a two-person battle of the bands. Cuss-Lulu performed rap numbers for which there are no names in any human language, and Tuneless Ramona performed what she regards as her greatest hits, including “Shake Your Platform Booties,” “Grinding (My Coffee) All Night Long,” and “I Kissed a Girl.”

According to our witness, “The last thing I saw, Ramona was up on her stage, and she leaned back in a chair while water poured into her face. That’s when my eyeballs exploded.”

A final count of the people who died in this, the worst of the city’s many monster attacks, is still unavailable as of this writing.